Fish and crying

Sometimes I cry about things that I think other people wouldn't really care about. Like my pet fish dying. I have another fish, I should be fine. It's just a fish. It wouldn't have lived long anyway, right?

But the thing is, I don't think it didn't die of "old fish age." It died because it was neglected. It was starving. The water it was swimming in was probably not very clean. It was my fault it died.

You see, death is a rather touchy subject for me. I try to avoid thinking about it, because I break down whenever I do. What happens when you die? Where do you go? What if there is no heaven? Will I just be gone? What's the point of living if you just die in the end? Your memories, experiences, opinions, most of the things you did with your life, will they just fade away?

So knowing that something that was mine died  because of me... I... I just don't know. And this isn't the first time it's happened. I had another fish, the same type. This fish was a replacement. Not only that, we were actually planning on selling the two fish and their fish tank and all their fishy supplies in a garage sale or something.

What I'm really afraid of is facing my mom about it. How am I supposed to tell her I neglected another animal? I just hope she's not mad at me or anything.

Color Quiz

 Sometimes quizzes capture my personality REALLY well. (Especially that actual problem #2 thing) It kind of scares me. And makes me feel easily labeled. D:

 

Your Existing Situation

Constantly moving forward in her life and career in order to gain a higher position and more recognition. Unhappy with current circumstances and needs to constantly make changes to herself in order to become a better person.

Your Stress Sources

"Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn't want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
"Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents her from becoming too involved."
Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.
Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.
"He is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so she never really gets too involved with others."

Your Desired Objective

Alert and very observant. Always looking for new opportunities which offer freedom and the hope of making the most of them. Looking to prove herself and be recognized for her for her achievements. Feels separated from others and constantly trying to bridge that gap.

Your Actual Problem

"Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants, leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved in activities which are pointless."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."

My current life: Sumarized!

It's been one heck of a ride this year. I can't stand it. Also, apparently some girls in my class don't like me. That kinda sucks. But whatever.

Grant. Why. Just... Why. No. Not allowed. :(

Siiiiiiiiigh. My brother's friend is visiting, and despite the fact she claims she likes me more than him, I... can't help but think a middle school girl just doesn't do well hanging out with two college age kids. It just doesn't seem to work.

Also: I feel like a terrible person. My brother and his friends have an RP (role play) forum they use called Lovesick. Today my brother had it open on his computer while he was showing me something else. I memorized the URL (it was pretty short and easy), and went to it a little later. I wanted to make an account, so I did. It sent the authorization email, but I never authorized it. I just deleted my account. I had that feeling in my chest that I was doing something I shouldn't have been. And I guess I was. I don't want to join unless someone invites me too. It's like sneaking into claimed territory. It's HIS forum, with HIS online friends. I don't want to just... come in there and ruin his privacy and take all that away from him! Lately, he's been (as he says) 'disappoint' with me. I seriously don't want him to be. He's practically the only person left in the house I can TALK to, even though he's gone a lot, since he's going to college now.

I.... I just don't know what to do. It's complicated. I wish I could go back to being a naïve little kid. When I didn't have to worry about this. I wish a lot of things.

On D Brink

AWOL and Current Going-ons

So, I've been absent without official leave for awhile now. I didn't exactly MEAN to. It just happened. I got caught up in life, I suppose. But now seems like as good a time as any to rant my feelings to the internet.
I'm going to a new school since I last posted, and in short, it sucks. I miss all of my friends. I don't feel like I can be myself. There's lots of peer pressure. Everyone hates each other, and they talk about each other behind their backs all the time. It almost makes me wonder if anyone says anything about me. You know what Oscar Wilde says, "The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about." But yeah, it sucks. And I've been feeling really bad lately. Probably because I haven't been talking my anti-anxiety/depressants lately. *laughs dryly*
And the friends that I can get in contact and hang out with occasionally... I feel like they're drifting away. Like, even if I went to them with my problems, they would laugh at them. Because that's the only thing anybody seems able to do lately. Laugh. It might not be at me, but when I try to look at something seriously, everyone makes fun of it.
I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. Heck, even my own mom makes fun of me practically everyday. Everyone seems so foreign and menacing. Even friends I've had for a couple years that I talk to online all the time suddenly seem like different people. Meaner, always laughing.
I really don't know what else to say, I guess I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. I'll check back in later, I guess.

On D Brink

A Meaningful Conversation

Recently I've thoroughly wanting to have a conversation as follows:
Person 1: "I like bowls"
Person 2: "I like spoons"
1: "I like forks"
2: "I like knifes"
(Etc.): "I like bread"
"I like butter"
"I... like toast"
"I like toasters"
"I like microwaves"
"I like ovens"
"I like fridges"
"I like counters"
"I like numbers"
"I like math"
"I like reading"
"I like books"
"I like pages"
"I like words"
"I like letters"
"I like ink"
"I like pink"
"I like purple"
"I like red"
"I like beds"
"I like pillows"
"I like sleep"
"I like sheep"
"I like smeep"
"Smeep?"
"Smeep"
"Well then... I like sbeep"
"That's like, the exact same thing as smeep"
"No it's not. Totally different"
"If you were typing, it would look like a typo"
"Well, we're talking"
"So?"
"There can't be any 'typos' while talking"
"Oh. Ok. I like meep"
"Oh, c'mon! This is just getting repetitive!"
"So?"
"So? Argh!!! Well you know what I'd like?! I'd like you to shut up!"
"I'd like you to put a sock in it"
"I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE!!!"

On D Brink

*2 Monthes and 60 Cans of Spaghetti-O's Later...*

I haven't posted in... so long.... T_T I feel ashamed of myself. I also eat Spaghetti-O's all the time now. They're so gross... But I was raised so I didn't know the meaning of good food and liked the gross unhealthy stuff. So I like Spaghetti-O's. :D
Anyway, the main reason I posted this is (you guessed it!) a rant! Totally, I mean, OMG! It's not a bad rant really, just a... rant. Y'know? So I've been fixing up my room, dealing with annoying guys, and well... being me. (Me, being a depressed anti-social freak. xD KIDDING)
So yeah, my older brother and a friend of mine don't really get along. And I keep forgetting, so I mention them around each other and in a few seconds, I'm thinking, "Oh frick, not again! >.<" If any of you guys know the people I'm talking about, or you're stalking my blog but not following it, please tell them/remember I am sorry!! I'm forgetful!!
My mother and I have also re/developed depression. So you know what that means kiddies!! I WASN'T kidding!!! xD OK, no, that time I was TOTALLY kidding. I'm not kidding you. (Confused now? Good) Anyyyyyway. Because of my depression, I have gotten NO work done, and we also haven't gone to see a doctor to see if it really is depression. *Which it probably IS.*
Also, I think my first ex-boyfriend is still pining from the loss of me. Tsk. Really, the only reason I think this is because he keeps annoying me by flipping my hair. I've stopped even acknowledging him when he does this because I won't give him the pleasure of having my attention. I'm so evil, am I not?
ALSO I think that if I just do whatever, I will be happy. I don't care if I'm not in their click. So what? I know I have plenty of people who agree with me, and am OK. I so need to clean my room... :P

Asta la Vista, Babee. (xD)
On D Brink

A Post

Helllllllllllooooooooooooo.

Like I told you. Cookies. Anyway, I'm in a slightly melancholy mood. Yeah... It was mostly because I was think about something along the lines of, "Y'know, just cuz you've complimented me on something before, doesn't mean I still won't feel happy if you compliment me on it again." Anyway, I'll keep my rants short as not to spam you all with my personal life.

See ya,
On D Brink